The One Hundred and Thirty-Seventh Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Viagra Serial 6P - Erection of Dustbins - The streets of London run with blood and rain as police constables gun down everyone in sight. To the surprise of the police, certain members of force are in fact alien slaves programmed to kill - the exact sort of officer usually preferred by the Americans. A man in the uniform of a detective inspector, Lytton, operates a hand-held device which transports both himself and the bodies to a distant spaceship called Ajax. The TARDIS materialises after the massacre and when the Doctor and friends investigate they meet a survivor, Stein, who's mind is so tortured by recent events that he has come to believe himself to be a small turnip. The Doctor calmly explains that it is perfectly normal for a trauma to reduce a man to a vegetable. The story then moves centuries in the future to a nearly abandoned prison station in deep space - built as the ultimate holding facility for the worst of interstellar criminals - Cyberleader Xylos of the Cybermen, Slaard of the Ice Cream Vendors, and of course, the most vicious MasterMind of all time -- Beep The Meep. The prison has been allowed to fall into disrepair, and actually resembles a Russian space station after a fire, hull breach, and small explosion -- or more simply put -- It looks like a Russian space station. The crew are therefore totally unprepared when the Ajax emerges from warp space and prepares to dock. To make things even worse, the prison space station uses a circular port connection, while the Ajax Battle Cruiser uses a Escher-esque fractal shape which simply can't exist in real space -- the end result being of course a horrible crash. The airlock is blasted open and the crew find themselves facing an army of Dustbins! The crew manage to slow down the Dustbins by pointing out what a horrible mess the docking bay has become recently -- the Dustbins impulsively begin cleaning up the mess, which buys the humans some time. Lytton is not surprised by his allies' behaviour and contacts the Black Dustbin who gives him authority to hunt and kill humans - as long as he doesn't make a big nasty mess of it. Lytton attacks the humans with a special gas cleaning solvent which slowly dissolves human flesh and bone on contact. This is the ultimate weapon of the Dustbins, Mop 'n Glow on a genocidal scale. With the humans dead, Lytton is satisfied that the prison is secure. Lytton begs the Dustbins to release Beep the Meep and take his orders instead. The Dustbins however have come for Lavros, their creator. Meanwhile the Doctor, companions, and Stein find an abandoned warehouse. Well, nearly abandoned. The warehouse has in fact been rented out by half a dozen Blakes 7 fans for a private viewing party. The Doctor explains the he and his friends are currently on the run from alien invaders. The assembled group roll their eyes and insist that he pay up 5 quid for the food kitty. To the Doctor's horror a Dustbin materialises, but everyone else assumes this is just a Buck Rogers fan in some elaborate costume. The Doctor quickly throws Tegan a small handgun and tells her to aim for the mop as he runs screaming in the opposite direction. Centuries in the future, Lytton revives Lavros from his long slumber. Lavros is appalled to learn that the Dustbins have lost their way in his absence. While he was imprisoned the Dustbins fell in love with an alien battle computer, the Mo' Lovin' computer. The Dustbins are so wrapped up in their techno-lust that they require human troopers to help with the cleaning so that they can compose love poetry and reflect on their deeper emotions. The Mo' Lovin' discovered a computer virus which attacks Dustbin sentimentality, and now the Dustbin Empire has been reduced to a few scattered online communities, obsessed with their blogs. This is why they have returned for their creator - to sweep away their shame. Lavros orders immediate improvements be made to his digestive system, and in exchange for these ultra-enhancements he will raise the Dustbin empire from the ashes. He, Lavros, will cleanse them of their electronic sins! Lytton reports all of this to the Black Dustbin, who orders him to humour and play along with Lavros for the time being. Lytton bravely tells the Black Dustbin that he thinks this is a bad idea. In desperation he claims to have seen "A Really EVIL looking Quirk. Maybe we could gain advice from him!". The Black Dustbin refuses, stating that the situation isn't that desperate yet. Meanwhile Lavros obsesses over revenge for his 90 years of imprisonment; not only on the human race and the Doctor, but on his school music teacher Mrs. Grayson, and of course the enzymes in his own body which he does not have direct control of. Tegan stands over the smouldering remains of the Dustbin she's killed. Slowly, the Doctor returns to the room. When he hears that the Dustbin mutant inside escaped and is squelching around somewhere - he cries out like a baby and runs hysterically out of room again. The Doctor runs so fast and so far that he eventually simply refers to this whole incident as "taking an opportunity to return to the TARDIS, lock the doors behind me and crawl up into a fetal position." Luckily the Doctor was followed by Stein, who convinced the Doctor that as a turnip he could pose no possible threat -- and might even make for a healthy afternoon snack. The Doctor finally decides to escape from the horror completely and plans to visit the earth in a few centuries time, just to check the records and see if Tegan and Turlough survived. The TARDIS is pulled off course however and lands on a prison space station instead of the earth. Still the Doctor is happy to be centuries away from the action - until, to his shock, Stein holds a carrot to his head, revealing that all this time, he has been a secret Dustbin agent... The Dustbins surround the Doctor, their lifelong enemy finally ready to be scoured to death! Until Lytton reminds them that the Dustbin Supreme wants the Doctor alive. Incredibly bummed, the Dustbins usher the Doctor off to the stock footage room, while Lytton and Stein muse that the Dustbins will clean anyone on impulse. The Doctor learns that all of the Dustbins' mercenaries, including Stein, are being blackmailed by the vast library of stock footage held by the Dustbin race. The Dustbins gather endless reams of footage of every being possible in the universe, just desperately hoping to find them cheating on their wives or stealing from their aunties. After they show the Doctor endless hours of incriminating stock footage, the Dustbins explain they intend the Doctor to go back to Gallifrey and film the entire High Council for centuries. Although, in actuality, the Doctor knows about 5 minutes would be long enough to bust them on genocide, adultery, and tax evasion by means of ceasing to exist. Meanwhile Tegan flees from nothing in particular, only to find the streets deserted and the TARDIS gone. "THAT BASTARD!" She quips. When she sees two policemen nearby she approaches them for help - and then flees AGAIN when one of them pulls out a gun with a silencer attached. "Nothing personal. I just kill Australian tourists. It's a perk!" The Bobby explains. Lavros, meanwhile, has engineered a super virus capable of killing The Doctor, The Dustbins, and just for a sick twist - defenseless kittens. Lavros plans to wipe the slate clean, dispose of the Dustbins, and build a NEW SUPER RACE even more in his image. His first draft name for them is "The Lemon Soaked Paper Napkin Droids of Death", but he's sure he'll come up with something better later. Stein's mind wanders, he begins to re-embrace his turnipness and switches off the stock footage, saving the Doctor's mental sanity and very life. The Doctor watches Stein overpower the guards. The Doctor steals the stock footage and decides that he's had enough - HE MUST KILL LAVROS! The Doctor takes a HUGE BAZOOKA just laying around, sparkling clean and in perfect working order and confronts Lavros. To the Doctor's surprise Lavros claims he is deeply unhappy with the Dustbins and wishes to re-engineer them. "So, you will make the Dustbins more...friendly?" "Doctor. I was a mixed up young man. I was frustrated. I mean, I was mutant strapped to a portable loo. You can see where things went wrong. No. THIS TIME! This time I will make the Dustbins cuddly and happy and nice. I will teach them to enjoy the beauty of nature, to bask in the glow of summer's sweet nectar of sunshine. I will teach them to confide in each other. To share good times and bad." "You'll give them love and compassion?" "They'll be too busy crying their stalks out at the beauty of it all to ever kill again. They'll be like warm puppies. I'll market them as pets to school children. This will make the Furby look like a heartless killing machine." "Promise?" "With extra sugar on top." "Well...in that case. ALRIGHT LAVROS! Why not?" This proves of course that the Doctor is a horrific moron who really should not be allowed to live. The Doctor returns to the TARDIS and goes back to earth to collect his companions. The Black Dustbin contacts the Doctor in the TARDIS, to ask him what Lavros said about him -- and if he thinks there's any chance of them ever reconciling, and if there's any love left at all or if he should just kill the old bastard before he betrays the Dustbin race. The Dustbin is cut off in mid-rant as the super virus is released and kills him instantly. Lytton meanwhile has also made his way back to 20th century earth. Dressed as a policeman he communicates with his true hidden masters via walkie talkie, saying "The Dustbins didn't bite. But don't worry, we'll find another alien menace to bust out Beep the Meep." The Doctor arrives on earth and attempts to collect his companions, as if the TARDIS were some intergalactic school bus which children have to be herded in and out of. Tegan announces that she won't be coming with him; she's sick of all the death and horror and even more sick at the lack of sex. She explains to the Doctor that she LOVED him, deeply and horribly...and that's why she's been such a desperate bitch queen the whole time. She bids the Doctor and Turlough a tearful goodbye and bolts for the door, stepping over bodies as she goes. Turlough tells the Doctor to wait behind as Tegan always changes her mind. But before he can finish the sentence he finds himself yanked into the TARDIS which is dematerialising. Tegan in fact DOES run back to the TARDIS crying, but too late - they have gone. "But Doctor, I will miss you...you self-absorbed dickwad!" Book(s)/Other Related - "Diet Or Die, A New Book of Total Motivation by Lavros" Doctor Who & The Jilted Lover Doctor Who - Return of the Keys Of the Death of Doom Goofs - Lavros is surprised by all the details of the Dustbin/Mo' Lovin' war, although he saw it at first hand in Dustiny of the Dustbins. The Dustbins seem to want to do everything at once, rescuing their creator, preparing to invade Earth, capturing the Doctor, curing the computer virus and blackmailing the High Council. Pretty ambitious for a race of rubbish tips who fail on every single point. Fashion Victims - The costume designers could never decide if Beep the Meep was white or blue, causing continuity calamity! Links and References - The Doctor explains that measles was introduced to earth by the Dustbins. So if you've ever had measles, you've had an ALIEN DISEASE!!! (Thank you Dustbin Annuals) Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor mentions that his companion, Sharon, once faced the total horrors of the Star Beast. Ian Levine barges on screen to remind everyone that this is not at all canonical. In a sequence that, the first time I saw it, convinced me I was experiencing an LSD flashback. Groovy DVD Extras - The cut scene in which Ian Levine explains that his own appearance on the show isn't canonical EITHER - he's just there to clearly distinguish between the canonical and non-canonical and then goes on to a new topic "What do the words 'biological grandfather' really mean anyway?" Dialogue Disasters - ---- Stein: Your bile would be better directed against the enemy, Doctor! Doctor: I'm sorry. It's allergy season. ---- Doctor: I wouldn't know what to do with an army. Lavros: For Christ's sake Doctor! It's only a game of Risk! ---- Soldier: What does Tegan look like? Doctor: Oh, you won't mistake her - the moment you find her, she will try to kill you. ---- Dialogue Triumphs - --- Lavros: I have waited a long time for this. Once the Doctor is exterminated, I shall build a new race of Dustbins. They will be even more viciously tidy and I, Lavros, shall be their leader! This time we shall triumph -- BY DOING EXACTLY THE SAME THING! AND I WILL REPEAT DOING EXACTLY THE SAME THING UNTIL I GET DIFFERENT RESULTS! MY DUSTBINS SHALL ONCE MORE...WELL ONCE AGAIN...WELL OKAY, JUST ONCE FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER BE THE SUPREME BEINGS!!!! Except of course for me....yeah I gotta remember that this time. I'm the supreme being, and they are supreme beings too, but my supremeness is slightly better than theirs..umm... you know, I better write this all down before I forget. --- Lavros: You hesitate Doctor. If I were you, I would be dead. Doctor: Umm...No, I'm still alive actually. So if you were me you'd still be fine. Lavros: You know that is not what I meant! Doctor: Do I? Sure. Of course! HA! HA! A joke between friends. --- Lavros: You are soft, like all Time Lords. You prefer to stand and watch. Doctor: Well, yes, I admit, I do indulge in acts of voyeurism. But there's nothing wrong with that. A time lord my age is more than capable of making his own decisions. Lavros: Action requires courage. Something you lack. Doctor: Oh no! You didn't see me running from the Dustbins like a baby, did you? --- Tegan: A lot of good people have died today. Doctor: Yes, but, I think you killed some of them. You were a tad trigger happy with that gun I gave you. --- Doctor: You want to stay on Earth? Tegan: My aunt Vanessa said, when I became an adult dancer, if you stop enjoying it, give it up. Doctor: Tegan. Tegan: It's stopped being fun, Doctor. Doctor: Maybe we can do something new. Buy some sort of jelly, buy a few paddles, mix it up a bit? ------------------------------------------------------------ Viewer Quotes - "This story is basically every Dustbin story before it in condensed form. This is going to save me a lot of money on DVDs!" - Daniel Carlos (2002) "You know, I was really REALLY hoping we'd see some touchy feely Dustbins after this story aired. Maybe a few running a small art colony in southern France. That would be great!" - Nigel Rogers (1988) "This story is a masterpiece! The best penned for Doctor Who in some decades! Why? Because even though never shown on screen... the audience KNOWS a Quirk is there. Somewhere. Hiding in the shadows. Powerful, moving stuff." - Creator of the Quirks (1984) "I believe this story was written after a bet about how many plot holes it would be possible to write into a script before the audience would catch on to the joke of it all. Apparently everyone involved underestimated -- and that terrifies me." - James Nesmon (1994) Psychotic Nostalgia - "Doing exactly the same thing over and over again until you get different results! That's the definition of MANAGEMENT in the IT industry!" Peter Davison Speaks! "OK, so you can point to this story and say -- 'OOoooo! Mass Murder!! BAD!!!". But I've been to the States and I tell you the one thing we could use here in Britain is a little mass murder now and again. Give a more New York flavour to London. Everyone always complains that the Dustbins are slow and ineffective. Give them ONE STORY where they just relentlessly kill the shit out of everything -- and people cry they are too deadly and effective. Makes me weep." Rumors & Facts - Eric Saward desperately wanted the Dustbins to return so he could kill off Lavros once and for all and replace him with replace with the gold-domed Emperor Dustbin seen in the TV Century 21 Dustbin comic strips from the mid-Sixties. This plan was embraced by several people who had come to hate the Lavros character with a passion, but the original creator of the Dustbins held the rights and was still demanding the payment of 400 human souls per episode. In a 1982 American Convention, Saward apparently collected the necessary amount of human souls and turned them over to the creator who had taken to calling himself - The Supreme Dustbin. Meanwhile, John Satan-Turner was keen that other deadly monsters make cameos. He contacted the appropriate owners of various villains - the Cybermen, The Ice Cream Vendors, etc. and negotiated different deals. For instance - To secure the rights to the Cybermen he had to convince the holders that the Cybermen had been so badly whored out that their appearance was worth roughly half a Flake. The Ice Cream vendors were secured for a fee of 3 pounds 90p, which nearly broke the budget and Beep the Meep set them back another 37p. But luckily when the Creator of Quirks learned that Doctor Who was shopping around for old monsters, he called the production office and offered 50 pounds for every time the word "Quirk" was uttered on screen. With a sly grin Saward and Eric wrote in dialogue like "That's Quirky Behaviour!" and "Do these Dustbins have any quirks?" And very soon had paid for a nice Caribbean holiday. When the story went forward John Satan-Turner insisted on two changes - 1) That Lavros NOT be killed and 2) That the serial make extensive use of stock footage. A JST trademark that dominated his artistic style. This story also marked Janet Fielding's last regular work with the series. So it is only fitting that I give her the last say... Janet Fielding Speaks! "I was never involved with Doctor Who, and if you ever call me again I'll slit your throat!"
Cover by Finn Clark