The One Hundred and Fifty-Fifth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'Peace Babies Serial 7L - Bertie Bassett Doesn't Take Shit From Anyone - Beyond the realms of time and space the Doctor wanders the endless corridors of the TARDIS. The Doctor says nothing and seems to be in a universe all his own as he aimlessly advances through the endless maze. Ace follows him, first asking politely for the Doctor's attention, then pleading, then begging, then crying hysterically. When the Doctor fails to register her presence in any way, Ace approaches the Doctor quietly, and then firmly knees him in the groin. The Doctor bundles into a small ball, looks up at Ace with terrified eyes and explains that his worst nightmare has at last arrived -- he's completely run out of Jelly Babies. Excerpt from TARGET Novelization - "Is that all?" Said Ace disgusted as she looked down at the crumpled figure below. "You don't understand the implications! I have been living on borrowed time for centuries. At last the pact is complete. I must return to the giver of the liquorice all sorts and plead for more bounty. My life, my very soul is in peril." The weight of the millennia fell heavily on the Doctor's shoulders. "Um, Professor. When I want Jelly Babies, I just pop round to the corner shop. It's easy." "NO!!! What I possessed were Jelly Babies of unimaginable power! Something no mere earthly corner shop could possibly hope to contain." "You obviously haven't been to Perivale. The corner shops sell stuff more horrifying than the Dustbins. I think the concept of a 'Use By' date is still just catching on there." "ACE! I am serious! We must supplicate the Dark God of Liquorice!" "And who's that?" "BERTIE BASSETT!!" "WHAT!?! You're scared of Bertie Bassett? But he must be a complete darling. A real push over." "You don't know him like I do Ace. Bertie Bassett Doesn't Take Shit From Anyone!" The Main Story In the streets of colony world Terra Alpha a group of young liquorice addicts are gunned down in a candy deal gone wrong. Rolo Hershey, the most connected candy dealer on Terra Alpha has been taking an extremely hardline approach to those who don't have exact change. "Think I've got all day to count out change for a 5 pound note if all they bothered to buy is a single Double Decker? Screw that! I got places to be!" Rolo has already killed 47 junk food junkies today, and it's only beginning to take the edge off. When the Doctor approaches Rolo and asks for some Jelly Babies, it's the last headache he needs for the day. "WOAH! I don't deal in the heavy shit. I'm a peaceful guy man. You want to get the hook up with some chocolate, some minty shit or something, I'm your man. You want that flavoured sugar crap, you gotta go to the man. I'm not touching it." Unable to do a simple street deal as he had hoped, the Doctor must find the secret digs of Bertie himself. The Doctor befriends a local busker Earl Sigma, an off world harmonica player who stopped off on Terra Alpha for vacation but wound up addicted to Smarties and trapped in the endless spiral of dependency. Earl takes the Doctor and Ace directly to Bertie Bassett's penthouse flat, where they are captured - as per usual. Bertie Bassett explains that all three of them will act as willing volunteers for his new candy experiments OR they will be devoured alive by this pet poodle Fifi. Ace: My god that's stupid! Doctor: Yes a dog that size will never be able to eat us whole! Ace: No, I mean naming the damn thing Fifi. Bertie Bassett straps our heroes to chairs, explaining that he makes sweets so delectable that they sometimes overload the pleasure centres of the human brain. "That's why the sell so well. That's also why they kill people. Go figure. It's a funny old world." The Doctor explains to Ace and Earl that the ancient and insane god Zoth-Ommog constructed a minor god of functioning confectionery, as a bit of a party piece. After impressing Ithaqua, Othuyeg, and Baoht Z'uqqa-Mogg the Bringer of Pestilence with the new servant god B'ertous-Ba'Set (roughly translated as "Candy-loving Evil Demon") all four of them got incredibly drunk on cheap wine and cast down the servant god to the physical plane )what we know as the mortal coil). From there B'ertous-Ba'Set got the slightly less conspicuous name of Bertie Bassett, set up an insanely profitable candy empire, took over an entire human colony, and then started killing people like there was no tomorrow. When Ace and Earl ask the Doctor what all of this actually means and how they can use it to defeat Bertie, the Doctor looks confused and says - "What? Oh, he's an old one. Completely undefeatable. I was just explaining so you'd know exactly why we're all going to die." Looking at their slack faces the Doctor continued - "But you could always scream your lungs out in fear. Don't let me stop you." Bertie Bassett meanwhile begins the typical insane gloating. As Bertie takes swigs off a bottle of raspberry syrup, he explains that he will transform them into the ultimate candy known in this galaxy - Jelly Adults! Each Jelly Adult will have their own distinctive appearance and personality. And, at an average height of 5'7" they should completely corner the oversized candy market for Christmas and Easter. The Doctor decides to test the sanity of Bertie and mentions a candy gun he sees hanging on a nearby wall. Bertie explains that the gun is made from the purest sugar crystals on the planet and that the bullets are gum drops "the really old, crusty chewy ones you get in little village sweet shops". The Doctor taunts Bertie, until the candy god is full of rage. When Bertie points the gun directly in his face, the Doctor challenges him to look him in the eye, pull the trigger, and end his life. Bertie pulls back the gun. The Doctor will not so easily escape his terrible destiny of being turned into sugar candy goodness. The Doctor knocks the gum drop gun out of Bertie's hand and shoots him repeatedly. However, Bertie's candy body simply splatters slightly, failing to cause any harm or pain to the dark god of liquorice. Bertie Bassett pushes the Doctor harshly into a wall of syrup bottles. The collision smashes the bottles and their contents ooze over the floor. A bottle of lemonade spritzer cracks at Bertie Bassett's feet and a chemical reaction glues him fast to the floor. Bertie Bassett commands Fifi to attack. The Doctor screams like a girl and runs away, Ace is still tied up and can not move, and Earl certain of his impending death begins to play a sad song, about de-toxing from sugar highs, on his harmonica. The resonance of the harmonica music causes giant sugar crystals on the walls to crumble, crushing Fifi under tons of crystallised sugar. Earl and Ace make their escape and reunite with the Doctor. When they explain Fifi's death and that Bertie Bassett is still glued to the floor, an evil look crosses the Doctor's face and he runs back into the penthouse flat of doom. Earl and Ace stand about awkwardly in a hallway for a few moments, tapping their feet and putting their hands in their pockets, until finally they decide to catch the Doctor up and see what he's up to. When they arrive back at the penthouse sweet Ace clasps her palm over her mouth and Earl screams "HOT DAMN!" They stare on in bewilderment as they watch the Doctor hunched over, ravenously eating the remains of Bertie Bassett. "Ace! Earl! You must try some. He's fabulously delicious!" "BUT! Professor! HOW?!" "Easily Ace! Stuck to the floor he couldn't really put up much of a fight. And he's got the creamiest nougat centre I've ever encountered in an alien menace." Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who: Bloodbath In Candyland (This board game banned in UK) Jimmy: The Little Boy Who Ate Too Much Chocolate And Went on A Killing Spree (Special Deluxe Edition) Tom Baker Versus The Jelly Babes (The Compleat Low Budget Pornographic Cinema Experience) Links and References - The Doctor threatens to smash the entire sugar crystal complex with the power of his sonic goat army...if only he actually remembered to bring them along. Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor says to Ace "Of course, back in my third incarnation I used to be quite good friends with Bertie Bassett. We used to dine with Chairman Mao and Benny Hill. Strange dinner conversations." Groovy DVD Extras - The awesome deleted scene in which Bertie Bassett fights Jackie Chan in a complex kick boxing competition (cut for time). Dialogue Disasters - Doctor: I can hear the sound of empires toppling. Ace: No, I just knocked over that bookshelf. ---- Doctor: Ace, we're about to face a very sticky situation. Dialogue Triumphs - Bertie: Get back. Or I'll use the gum drop gun. Doctor: Yes, I imagine you will. You like guns, don't you? Bertie: This is a specialised weapon. It's designed of the purest sugar crystals. It's deadly, and delicious. Pure rock candy. (The Doctor frees himself from his bonds) Bertie: Stay where you are. Doctor: Why? Scared? Why should you be scared? You're the one with the gun. Bertie: That's right. Doctor: And you like guns, don't you? Bertie: Back off Doctor! I will kill you. Doctor: Of course you will. That's what guns are for. Pull a trigger. End a life. Simple, isn't it? Bertie: Yes. Doctor: Makes sense, doesn't it? You're a giant candy man with a sugar gun. Tough, yet soft, and ready to kill. Bertie: Yes. Doctor: A life, killing life. Bertie: Do not tempt me Doctor. Doctor: Shut up. Why don't you do it then? Look me in the eye. Pull the trigger. Let the gum drop ammo fly. End my life. Bertie: No. Doctor: Why not? Bertie: I can't. Doctor: Why not? Bertie: (Guiltily) I..I...I got hungry and ate the bullets!!! ---- Talking about Bertie - Doctor: Of all the beings I have fought throughout time and space he was the most- Ace: Evil? Doctor: No. Delicious. Ace: That's so gross! Doctor: It was those little chunks of almond that did it, you know? Anyway, I've raided the place and I easily have enough Jelly Babies to last another 30,000 years. Would you like a jelly baby Ace? Ace: We're not talking REAL BABIES, are we Professor? Doctor: Time will tell, it always does. ------------------------------------------------------------ Viewer Quotes - 'This is an oddball story. And when I say "oddball" I mean "crap".' - Blunt Review Monthly (January 1989) "Gangs of brightly dressed women with big guns, that's my kind of pornography!" - Father James O' Maley (Christmas Newsletter, 1988) "My mother in law had a dog just like that. Pure evil man." - Dennis Freebie (1996) "Did the script writer hate liquorice, or own stock that was directly in competition with Bassett? The whole, dark god old one made out of sweets is just unacceptably bizarre." - Ted M’Nagalah (2003) Sylvester McCoy Speaks! "I think I was the only Doctor to defeat a walking hunk of liquorice all-sorts. I'd have to look that up, but I'd be surprised if I couldn't claim that one for myself. Who knows, maybe Tom Baker got to beat up the Fox's Glacier Mints polar bear." Rumors & Facts - Graeme Curry approached Andrew Cartmel in a pub late one evening in February 1987 and feverishly began to pitch ideas for Doctor Who before Cartmel realised he was even there or what he was trying to do. After calming down and offering to buy a pint for Cartmel, Curry was unable to pitch anything that sounded feasible. Even after buying Cartmel a pack of Cheese 'n Onion crisps and thinking about stories whilst walking to and from the bar, he did not come up with anything to Cartmel's liking (he preferred pork scratchings). Eventually, after buying some roast peanuts, Curry suggested that the Doctor reveal and a dark and secret debt to Bertie Bassett that must be repaid on pain of death. Cartmel started listening. Cartmel liked the idea and together the pair developed it, expanding it into both a commentary on modern-day confectionery making processes and the policies of Margaret Thatcher's reigning Conservative government -- as this was the 80s and all television in England was based on that to some variable degree. Curry briefly titled his story Bertie Bassett Kills The Fuck Out Of People In Slow Motion, but this was changed to Bertie Basset Doesn't Take Shit From Anyone by the time episode one was broadcast. In the course of scripting the adventure, Curry -- with Cartmel's agreement -- decided to tone down the anti-Thatcher elements. He used scripts instead to build the foundation for what he felt would be the new genre of the 1990s "Candy Horror". On November 10th, after episode two was aired, QB Strokes, chairman and chief executive of Bassett Foods plc, wrote to the BBC to complain that Bertie Bassett was working for Doctor Who without his permission. Strokes explained in a detailed letter that while he knew that Bertie suffered from many emotional problems, and was in fact currently under investigation over a series of mysterious murders committed in Hong Kong, he felt that to portray Bertie's true personality before the viewing audiences of Britain would only ruin his future chances for a fair trial. After investigating the matter, David Burner of the BBC Copyright Department informed Strokes on November 25th that he had determined that Bertie Bassett was indeed not working or acting within Doctor Who. The Doctor Who office had been under the impression that Bertie Bassett was in fact a fictional trade marked design, and therefore it did not occur to them to approach Bertie Bassett directly to portray himself in the teleplay. Strokes replied with a suspicious number of denials. Stating that he was happy to hear that the BBC had considered Bertie Bassett for their production, and that of course Bertie Bassett was totally fictional and therefore not at all capable of the gruesome murders mentioned previously, which probably didn't happen anyway. A week later QB Strokes was seen in an airport with a one-way ticket to Brazil. Nothing has been heard or seen of him since. Flagrant Trademark violations aside, Bertie Bassett Doesn't Take Shit From Anyone was an outstanding success from a production viewpoint. The only serious problem occurring (thankfully) on the last day of filming when due to a prop mix-up Sylvester McCoy ended up eating the actor in the Bertie Bassett costume, instead of an empty Bertie Bassett costume mocked up earlier.