Ninth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Thorax Serial J - Plan It You Spy Ants! - Episodes: 1. Plan It You Spy Ants! 2. Trek Across The Porch 3. Licence Susan decides to take another shot at returning her school teachers to England 1963, sure the last time she ended up piloting them to the end the universe and almost killed everyone but she was drunk and had no clue what she was doing, so after taking a few drags off a joint to clear head up she sets out operating the console. At first everything seems to be going great, she only accidently triggers the smoke detectors and automatic sprinklers once. In some momentary confusion however she opens the TARDIS doors in mid-flight which is sort of like opening a microwave in the middle of a 20 minute HIGH setting. Susan continues to plot the TARDIS and finally lands on the planet earth and all seems great so she brags at length in an incredibly annoying way about she's much better piloting the TARDIS than her grandfather. Setting out to discover where they are, they find themselves and the TARDIS covered in a strange sickly sweet smelling mist. After a moment the mist clears and much to their surprise they are surrounded by giant ants with Liverpudlian accents. The giant ants tell them that they are heading to a far distant land known only as "56 Bexleyheath Road, Banbury BA4 7HS". They are a group of highly paid international spies in amazingly clever disguises who wish to discover what developments are being made by a certain team of Rastafarian Botanists who have started their own genetic research lab "Cheech & Chong's Happy Fun Time Herbs Inc.". The trek across the front lawn is a disaster and many of the ants die in a flash flood caused by light rain fall. They soon realise that somehow they are an inch tall! When they finally arrive at the porch they arrive just in time to see a man murdered and Hector, the fire ant and leader of the squad, killed senselessly by a tabby cat. Pressing forward into the lab the Doctor and companions discover that they are developing a new breed of plant which will increase yields of the wacky tabacky to such levels that they will be free to all the hippies, stoners, and freaks all over the world. For some reason the Doctor is against this advancement in horticulture and insists to his companions that he will set out to stop the experiments if they will leave him alone for a few hours and explore this deadly place individually. It isn't long before the Doctor is met by Barbara again. Much to the Doctor's dismay Barbara has handled some LSD laced cannabis seeds, however much to his delight it causes her to get very hot, remove several items of clothing and mistake him for Ian in a rather shocking scene involving a Bunson Burner, a test tube and The Special Space Babes issue of Playbeing magazine. Meanwhile Susan discovers a roach clip the size of a Volkswagen bus and is the first one smart enough to figure out what everyone at home knew from the second they left they TARDIS - The DRUGS are causing their smallness. Susan suffers several flashbacks from Steve Martin's "Everyone Must Get Small" song. Rushing to find her grandfather she is surprised and somewhat disgusted to find him giggling as he smokes an enourmous pipe near Barbara's unconscious body. The Doctor is not shocked to discover Susan appears to be 10 foot tall, such things are expected. The cannabis shrinks you with each dose and by now The Doctor and Barbara look like singing twins in a Mothra movie. Susan, confident that something must be done, screams for no reason other than to provide a cliffhanger where none was written in. In the next episode Susan tries to get the Doctor to help her but he has already eaten a jaffa cake five times his size and curled up for a nap. Setting out with Ian instead they decide they must put an end to the new crop before it is too late. However displaying their usual keen intellect they decide the best way to dispose of the cannabis is to burn down the building. In doing so they release enough fumes to give England the contact high of it's life. The Doctor can not be coaxed to leave the burning building until after he conceals one giant seed under his jacket for "personal experiments". In the tradition of the strong binding discontinuity of the series, the effects of the smoke released on the inhabitants of the earth was never explored or even mentioned ever again. Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Spy Ants Botany In the 21st Century: Unethical Fun With Plants Johnny Spy Ant And The Sugar Cube Caper Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story "I say my dear Barbarella..ahhh Barbara..let me help you out of that thing.." "So, we've be miniatru...minaturer...so, we're damn small are we?" "I'm sorry I'm most confused, quite, I think so." Fashion Victims - Susan goes back to wearing her groovy white headband while piloting the TARDIS, last seen in the Lab Techs. Goofs - When Susan is suppose to have hit the door switch to open the doors she actually hits the same switch which up to this point in the series has made the disco ball retract from the roof. Dialogue Disasters - DOCTOR: Ants in my pants! I should say so! SUSAN: Everyone must get small! NO!!! WHY! Ahhh, King Tut, he's an Egyptian, funky Tut... IAN: My GOD! SOYLENT WEED IS MADE OF PEOPLE!! Dialogue Triumphs - DOCTOR: Don't you see the implications, hmmm?? Why there won't be a world leader, progressive folk duo, or gang of misled Nazi girl scouts in the world who can resist the powers of this SUPER Weed you've created! IAN: But Doctor, you said we had to fight this evil! DOCTOR: All in good time! Now hand me that tube and that magazine will you m'boy? IAN: You can get us back to normal size can't you? DOCTOR: My dear boy from what I've heard you never measured up to normal size..OHH!! I see! I see! Yes, of course I can.. I hope! CHONG: Do you know why I'm a success man? Cause I've never allowed the word "can't" to exist, okay? CHEECH: Wow man! I didn't know you're vocabulary was that small, Essay! BARBARA: Wait, I've just thought of something..isn't thia a horrible rip-off of Land of the Giants? IAN: No, that won't be on TV for 4 years! Untelevised Adventures - Susan and the Doctor were present during a Led Zepplin concert in Christlehurst Caves. Rumors & Facts - Since the very beginning of the show the creators were determined to have a story with the Doctor and companions super small. The writer of "Plan It You Spy Ants!" was Lenin Marx a dedicated communist who took elements of the original plans for such a story and added in subtle hints that capitalism makes everyone a small victim to huge corporate interest. The most important element Lenin Marx brought however was the cannabis being the trigger which he got off Steve Martin's "Everyone Must Get Small". However there were several rumors that somewhat muddled the entire idea behind this story. First was the rumor that Lenin Marx was a crazed Mussolini-impersonating mime bent on world conquest. While no evidence supports this, this lead to the further confusion that Lenin Marx was the pseudonym of Alexei Sayle. People universally accepted Alexei Sayle did write this story after a picture of him appeared in the Daily Mirror dressed in a giant fly fancy dress costume holding a sign reading "Fidel Castro For Prime Minister!". It was definitely believed by the time he released his book "Alexei Sayle is Lenin Marx And I Wrote Plan It You Spy Ants!". Even ignoring the Alexei Sayle involvement we are still stuck with facing the second rumor which is this serial that parts of this serial were edited out for the sole purpose of the advancement of capitalistic propaganda - and this is precisely true! Plan It You Spy Ants was originally a 4 parter, but it was so badly written that the last part of episode 3 was replaced with the last part of part 4 and no one noticed. The serial ended early so the Dustbins could return. The original 4 episode cut and/or 4 episode audio is rumored to exist in a private bank vault owned and guarded by the Dustbins on threat of death if anyone comes near it. On the bright side no one much wants to.