Twentieth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Trojans Serial U - The Piss Takers - Episodes: 1. Temple of Sex Acts 3. Death of Some Guy 2. Small Willy, Small Ego 4. Horse of Reconstruction The Doctor decides that he must study all of galactic history to find the best possible moment in time to give his end away. He pilots the TARDIS back to ancient earth as he reads that the Greeks loved to do kinky things with palm oil. Landing in 1200 BC he finds that he has messed up by a few hundred miles and instead of landing in Athens he has landed outside of besieged Troy. The Doctor wanders out of the TARDIS and is immediately hailed as Bruce, The Greek God of Pornographic Lithographs. The Doctor discovers that the Greeks are master piss takers. They have spent ten years playing elaborate practical jokes on the Trojans who have so far held out with somewhat effective but nowhere near as a good gags. The incompetent Paris captures the TARDIS as a prize of war however Cassandra, the head priestess, concludes it is a water closet and that the Greeks have fooled Paris into yet another easy to see through joke. When Vicki emerges from the TARDIS everyone is slightly surprised as the TARDIS didn't have the "Occupied" sign up. Vicki tells them she is from the future and that the TARDIS really isn't an out house but no one seriously believes her. Cassandra fears she is just a Greek geek playing some bizarre joke on them all to confuse them horribly but the King and Paris believe otherwise. She is accepted by the Trojans who then give her a deadline of one day to come up with a killer prank to out do the Greeks once and for all. The Doctor has also been given this same deadline by the Greeks who expect a lot out of him as a living god and general pervert. At first the Doctor suggests they tar and feather the Trojans and see if they can fly but eventually he realises this is simply too cliche. So he steals an idea from the history books he read about the Trojans being complete idiots and dragging a Giant Horse into their city. Somehow magically over night, as is always the case in these stories, the entire giant horse is built and ready to go. The Doctor regrets that he didn't have enough time to fit shock absorbers and offer special low rider features. As was expected the Trojans cart the giant horse into the city and start to worship it. The Greeks then throw rotten fruit and urinate on the crowd below. The Doctor is amused and somewhat ashamed he has masterminded this incredible scheme. Vicki is so disgusted by the Doctor's behaviour that she runs off to have pre-martial rompy sex with a Trojan named Troilus as his parents had no imagination. Before she leaves she beats Steven senseless for all the dumb stuff he has tried to do with her and for repeatly feeling her up in the TARDIS. Then, feeling somewhat sorry for dropping the loser, she asks a Greek woman, Katarina, to take the unconscious Steven back to the TARDIS while she runs away as fast as possible in the other direction. Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Piss Takers The Trojan War - The Most Annoying Practical Joke In History Helen's Secret XXX Videos - Wearing A Trojan Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story "So you see, I am indeed the God of, ahh, the God of those things with which I god over. Bruce am I, hmm?" "The Answer lies in history my dear boy! Only if we go into the past can we solve the complex mysteries of the mysteries that lie there..in the past." Fashion Victims - The Trojans wear togas which are fine but they also wear Keds tennis shoes. Goofs - Keds were not fashionable shoes in the 13th century BC, indeed they are questionable in the 20th century AD. The whoppee cushion, the most beloved weapon of the Greeks, is not made of a goat's stomach in this story but a sheep's stomach, pathetic to notice the difference I know but what can you do? Technobabble - The wooden horse is made to look more real when the Doctor bestows it with 'the equine factor' Dialogue Disasters - To suggest tar and feathering the Trojans the Doctor says: "Have you ever considered giving them the bird?" Cassandra: *PPPPPHHHHHHHLLLLLLTTTT* to TROY! Paris: Well it's too late to say *PPPPPHHHHHHHLLLLLLTTTT* to the whoppee cushion! Dialogue Triumphs - DOCTOR: You have humiliated this poor fellow with your joy buzzer! ACHILLES: Yes, but with your hand! CASSANDRA: You're not putting that out house in my temple! PARIS: Why not? You're full of crap anyway. Rumors & Facts - This is the first story where the Doctor seems to screw around with history deliberately at will. His motivations are also somewhat unclear. Does he believe that he will get some slave girls if he is successful? Does he just like large scale carpentry projects? The novelization does little to clarify all these questions as the story is told from the view point of a man who will not be born for 400 years and features different characters with a different plot. It has long been believed that this story revealed that Homer was a gangsta rapper who liked to do crack, smoke weed, and gangbang with a submachine gun. This is of course completely ridiculous as Homer is a well known lovable cartoon character on the Simpsons. This story features the departure of Vicki and the addition of an ancient Trojan companion. This bizarre casting decision was to set the stage for the long and drawn out companion snuff story that was just a week away.