Twenty-Second Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Frogs I've discovered there's no way to do a parody of a story of mass murder and persecution without risking offending people, so here you go.. Serial W - The Mascara - Episodes: 1. War of Bog 3. Fleece of Dirt 2. The Sick Beggar 4. Hell of Doom In insane desperation the Doctor forms his most bizarre plan yet to finally once for all to have some sort of physical gratification with another humanoid. Convinced that it is his old manliness that has sabotaged his efforts so far he decides to cross dress and pass himself off as a lesbian in France. The Doctor demands that Steven helps him with his make-up as the TARDIS makes it's way to Paris 1972. The Doctor makes an unfortunately sad looking woman but he is confident that in France no one will notice any difference. Unfortunately, as if the TARDIS or universe itself can not let this travesty occur as planned, the destination circuits fail and they arrive in Paris 1572 an entire four centuries too early. However the Doctor is now completely bonkers and believes this will only help him more in his mission. Sadly the Doctor does not seem to know his history very well as he has arrived just as Catherine de Medici is planning to murder all French lesbians. The Doctor disappears into a Nunnery while Steven meets some actual lesbians at a prostitute household. Steven rescues a servant girl, Anne Chaplet, who has overheard the plans of Catherine de Medici. Later the infamous Abbot of Ambrosia arrives in drag at the prostitute household. He is the Doctor's double. Steven believes he is the Doctor and follows him. Steven overhears a plot to kill everyone at the prostitute house however the attempt fails and the Abbot is blamed for this failure and executed. The Doctor returns empty handed and depressed from the nunnery and simply does not believe that Steven has had any success either. A large scale massacre beings in the streets and the Doctor and Steven flee into the TARDIS. In the last few minutes the Doctor successfully pilots the TARDIS to 1966 Wimbledon and the Doctor tries to use chat up lines on Dodo Chaplet. The story ends optimistically with the Doctor sweet talking Dodo into the TARDIS. Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who's Mascara Doktor Dur Ferline Mockery Various Cross Dressing Doctor Who Slash Fiction Stories Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story "So my dear boy my plan to be a woman, and look womanly is at last in hand, for once it will impossibissity to resist me!" "Ohh my dear, yes, French Nuns! Why if those films I go by are anything to see I've got my work cut out for me!" Fashion Victims - The Doctor's appearance is rather frightening to children AND adults when he wears shiny lip stick, garters, a mini-skirt, and a tank top. Goofs - If Dodo is related to Anne why is her surname still Chaplet? The novelization suggests that Anne had illegitimate children like crazy so maybe she gave them her name. Anne's heavy Scottish accent is an odd way to portray the medieval French working class. An angered official suggests the Doctor do something unsightly and disgusting to himself with a pencil, even though there were no pencils in the 16th century. Dialogue Disasters - STEVEN: Hey Doc, you think you can really pass for a woman like this? Look more like a freak to me, but if you say so. DOCTOR: Quit jabbering and get to the mascara my dear girl! STEVEN: Girl?? I'm a BOY Doctor! DOCTOR: Shhussh! We're under cover! DOCTOR: My good Sister, I have come to help thee! NUN: Are thou supposed to be a lady? Thoust appears more as a freak to thine eyes. ANNE: Oi! 'Course 'im FRENCH! Dialogue Triumphs - DOCTOR: This scheme will do the trick! No one can resist..The Doctress! The Doctor's beautiful, haunted speech: "And now they've all gone..None of them could understand, not even my little Susan, or Vicki. And as for Barbara, and Chatterton.. Chesterton..they were all too impatient to get back to their own time. DAMN IT! WHY CAN'T I GET LAID?!" Rumors & Facts - This story is a beloved missing story and indeed many claim it is the best historical adventure in Doctor Who history. In 1989 a group of crazed fans gathered in Milton Keynes and chanted to the dark god Demnos hoping that copies of the story would mystically reappear. This failed attempt did not disuade these crazed scarf wearing fiends who stalk the night and who have formed covens of bizarre fandom. These warring cabalas have different and conflicting rites, ceremonies, and philosophies. Some are purists, some are radical, some traditional, all are sad wankers. Be wary of them, some claim to have Tenth Planet part 4, some claim to have rare impossible copies of the legendary 1972 Doctor Who Annual, still others claim to be robot duplicates of their original selves who are forever stranded on the planet Mechanus.